Friday, 29 April 2016


An unpublishable one for you, first and last draft, it's especially for any of you who appreciate a certain album by a certain sixties pop group (I claim no copyright etc...)

Interior - dim, flickering, artificial light - the living room of a shared flat. From the notional POV of television playing quietly, we see a man, casually dressed, sitting deep in a couch. He is holding an acoustic guitar, finger-picking a short, repetitive arpeggio and murmuring to himself.

Young Man: [Into the middle-distance] Take me back... take me back... can you take me back where I came from, can you take me back?

Another young man, wearing the casual remains of a work-suit, enters the room through an open door. He is carrying two mugs of something hot.

Young Man 1: Brother can you take me back? Can you take me back?

Young Man 2 approaches the couch.

YM2: New tune?

YM1: [Glances up at YM2] I wish.

YM2 hands YM1 a mug.

YM2: I've got a bit in the microwave... [Sits] What time is it?

YM1: Almost nine.

YM2: [Realises] Quick, there's something on I want to watch. Where's the remote?

The pair look around, without getting up or putting down their mugs. Eventually...

YM1: Here it is [fetches remote control from a nook in the sofa - portentously]  take this, brother, may it serve you well. 

Hands remote control to YM2. Cut to: Interior - natural light, a clean, spacious dining room with tall ceilings and wide windows. We see from the notional POV of a calendar on the wall a middle-aged man in a bright-white shirt sat at a polished brown table looking at an open laptop computer. A door opens. In comes a woman of similar age carrying a handful of reusable woven shopping bags laden with items.

Man: [Looks up and smiles] You're back, thank goodness. Did you get everything on this list?

Woman: [Puts bag on table - suppresses slight irritation with a smile] Yes, I did. 

Man: And the text?

Woman: [Unloading bags] I... what text?

Man: The one I sent you. I told you, we need wine. We've got lamb on a slow heat.

Woman: [Sighs] I'm sorry, I didn't check. I'd have got a bottle of claret for you if I'd realised. [Pause - renews unpacking] I'm sorry, [with a playful tinge] will you forgive me?

Man: [Long pause - looks at the Woman blankly] Yes... [breaks into smile]

Cut to: Exterior - a full-body shot of two men of standing on a hillside from the POV of someone standing below them. They are dressed in clean farming gear, tweed hats and boots. Each carries a shot gun open in the crook of the arm. They are indeterminately aged though look like the Young Men wearing false mustaches. The taller of the two points to something in the distance.

Man: Then there's this Welsh rarebit wearing some brown underpants.

Other Man: [Looks at Man] About the shortage of grain in Hertforshire?

Cut back to Kitchen Scene. The Man and Woman are sitting opposite each other at the table, eating silently.

Voiceover: Everyone of them knew that as time went by...

Woman: [Looks up, as if realising] They'd get a little bit older...

Man: [Without looking up] And a little bit slower.

Cut to a close up shot of a pair of man's hands under strong light. The hands gentle fondle a six-inch knife.

Man's Voice: It's all the same thing...

Interior: cut to a half-body two-shot of a Detective in a heavy brown coat (a man) and a Constable in uniform (a woman wearing a false mustache) standing in an empty office. The Detective is holding a knife.

Detective: In this case manufactured by someone who's always...

Cut to a face-shot of a pale, unshaven man with bloodshot eyes.

Wild Man: [Whispering] Umpteen to your father's...

Cut back to Young Men on sofa from POV of Television.

Young Man 1: [To YM2] Who's to know?

Young Man 2: [To YM1] Who was to know?

Cut to head-shot of Wild Man unconscious, being wheeled on a trolley.

Voiceover: I sustained nothing worse than.

Cut to a dark room from average human height, a figure is casting a torch-light about.

Figure: [With faint reverberation] Whatever you're doing...

Cut to an office scene, a late-middle man is sat is sat at at work desk, seen from the POV of someone crouching nearby. He is staring at a computer screen and clutching a telephone.

Man at Desk: [Intensely] In informed him on the third night, when fortune gives...

Cut to thirty seconds of footage from cowboy films. Gunshot sounds.

Voiceover: [Intermittently] Ride!

Cut back to Kitchen Scene. The Man and Woman have swapped seats. They are no longer eating but holding hands across the table.

Woman: [Dressed as a Cowgirl] I missed all that.

Cut back to Hilltop Scene. The two men are now viewed from the POV of someone looking across the valley through field glasses.

Shorter Man: It makes me a few days late.

There is a gunshot sound. Cut back to Living Room Scene.

YM1 & YM2: [Simultaneously] And weird stuff like that.

Cut to interior shot of hospital staff in scrubs and masks, viewed from the POV of a patient on a trolley.

Unknown Staff Member: Doctors have brought this specimen.

Cut to Hilltop Scene, now seen from the POV of someone looking across the valley through crosshairs.

Voiceover: They are standing still.

Cut back to Kitchen Scene. The Woman is alone, sitting on a chair, facing the camera and reading a piece of paper with exaggerated motions.

Voiceover: The plan, the telegram.

Interior, cut to a pub scene. An elderly man is sat with a pint in hand, talking. We see him from the POV of a friend sat opposite.

Man: A man without terrors...

Unseen Friend: [Interrupts] False as the headmaster reported to me...

Man: [Angered - to Unseen Friend] Who could tell what he was saying? His voice was low... [Looks up - now wistful] and his eye was high.

Cut to same scene several hours and several pints later. Man is now red-faced and drunk and wearing a brown coat. The friend is seemingly no longer interested and occasionally glances at a newspaper set on the table.

Man: [No eye contact - to the middle distance] So, any road, we went to see the dentist instead who gave her a pair of teeth which wasn't any good at all so I said I'd marry, join the bloody navy and went to sea [Falls off chair].

Cut back to Kitchen Scene. The Wild Man is  alone sitting on a chair, facing the camera. He is wearing medical scrubs.

Man: [Theatrically forlorn] In my broken chair, my wings are broken [strokes his own head] and so is my hair I'm not in the mood for whirling.

Voiceover: How?

Cut to half-body shot of the Detective and Constable standing over the chair from the earlier office scene, now empty, still viewed from the POV of someone crouching nearby.

Detective: [Listing with fingers] How? Dogs for dogging and hands for clapping. Birds for birding and fish for fishing. Them for themming and when for whimming...

Cut back to Dark Room Scene. A figure steps carefully and quietly through the room.

Voiceover: Only to find the nightwatchman unaware of his presence in the building.

Cut back to Kitchen Scene. Man and Woman are sat next to each other holding a piece of paper together.

Man: Industrial output.

Woman: Financial imbalance.

Voiceover: Thrusting it between his shoulder blades.

They turn to each other. The sound of a gunshot.

Man: [Lovingly] The watusi.

Woman: [Reciprocating] The twist.

Detective: [Standing in the doorway] Eldorado.

Cut back to Living Room Scene.

Young Man 1: [Portentously] Take this brother, may it serve you well.

Static shot. Both men look confused. End credits.

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