A Friday-Night Cut Up

Striding pistol reached an assured morning, come have assassin. “Thank you, cocktail pictures. Who pictures woman, Sir?”

“Who supple, gasped. pretty pictures gasped. make-up of dress, like Sir?”

“Who pretty was of heavy look dress, dress, like he Sir!”

Day empire, trade shocked, mail-order puff climbed all to a parcel. Multi-million parcel dropped the mail-order a envoy. A mail-order the Cold agency. It the all day Russia. Woman parcel. Two he had were sent he fondled them. Back had he sent post. He hardly had fair good letters good then  glanced cast man worth Peter.

Her magician brought impossible to put, brought her the protection. Under fold was of brought opportunity.

"Here’s world, tickets into you", the visa was crucial (crucial your edge men idea).

“You’re work even situation here, maintain". He is non-existent Natalia. "Your scholarship was non-existent here, Natalia."

The demand locked ironically, up ironically, in luxurious and pretty magician supply part. Off in his connections and monopoly ensured. Secretaries trade gay prince matches, French only get French Knighthood.

"Mail-order was I mail-order mail-order mail-order am was bride, was now assassin." Produced A pistol took a and pistol took a took pistol, "come for, come for, come for you."

Image is from here.

Mail Order

Here's something short. It failed to win a recent competition for an Irish website called Brilliant Flash Fiction. The theme was It Came In The Mail. The word limit was 500 words, which is very tough. This didn't make the grade, so I'm inflicting it on you. Ha! Yeah, it's a bit blunt and simultaneously info-dumpy, but I like the core idea and it's got nowhere else to go. Some news is coming soon about published work though. Hooray!

“Good morning, Natalia.” Striding through his office he greeted his secretary with an assured smile. “You look radiant.”

“Thank you, Sir.”

Through a door to his room, Peter sat at his desk. Another day ruling his empire, a multi-million pound mail-order bride agency.

It all began in Russia. Peter had been a British trade envoy. When the Cold War was over Peter decided to branch out.

Back in the day Peter had met a man in an underground fair in Moscow, a magician who only had one trick but it was a good one. He folded things that were impossible to fold and put them into spaces they could not fit. The climax of his act was putting his assistant into a matchbox and taking her out again, unharmed. Peter saw an opportunity. He brought the magician under his protection.

There was so many desperate people in Russia, young women in particular, who would do anything for a better life. Peter's idea was having the magician fold them into parcels and mailing them to rich, lonely men across the free world, saving on visa and plane tickets (a crucial edge in the market).

He still had to drum up demand but that was easy. Peter had many connections. He fed his clients with pretty pictures and beautiful promises. He ensured supply in much the same way. Keeping his monopoly was the most difficult part. Peter had the magician bought off and, ironically, locked away in luxurious captivity, a mansion in Sochi where he lived and worked under guard.

The situation in Russia stabilised. Peter had to work harder. A fake casting company here, a non-existent scholarship there helped maintain supply. Rival firms tried to extract his trade-secret, sometimes even steal his magician outright. Peter always dealt with his rivals, problems to be packed away. He was a clever man.

“Here’s your mail, Sir.”

“Thank you, Natalia.”

“You’re welcome, Sir.”

He was an important man too. His only regret was his trade wasn’t recognised enough to get him a Knighthood, even though he’d found matches for two Senior Secretaries, a gay Saudi prince and a French ambassador.

Natalia left. Peter fondled his post, two letters and a parcel. He chuckled. Who sent mail anymore? He did, he supposed, but the letters were hardly worth reading. He glanced then cast them aside. Someone should find a way to send brides as an email attachment he thought. He laughed again as he prized open the parcel. There was a puff of air, it sprang apart. Shocked, Peter dropped the parcel. It fell to the floor and a woman climbed out.

“Who are you?” he gasped. The woman was tall, tanned, supple, wearing heavy make-up and a short cocktail dress, like one of his pretty pictures. The Woman said:

“I was a mail-order bride, now I am a mail-order assassin.” She reached behind her back, produced a pistol and took aim, “and I have come for you.”

Work in Progress

July 10th - 16:29pm.

Interview, Christine Hyatt-Khan, Deputy Head of Compliance Unit for the Guild of Magicians and Psychic Practitioners, GMPP Headquarters, Euston.

Audio transcript

Containment Agent Lightfoot: Thank you for having us.

Christine Hyatt-Khan: Not at all, we always try to cooperate with the DoM. How may I be of assistance?

CAL: I, we are conducting an investigation into two robberies, bank robberies, rather unusual ones that...

CHK: I think I've heard about these, one was in Hackney and the other was in Ealing.

Detective Inspector Baptiste: In Shepherd's Bush, actually.

CHK: Yes, of course.

DIB: How did you come to know about these?

CHK: My word, is there a D-Notice out? I never...

CAL: Please...

CHK: I'm sorry, I... I'm sure you understand that you're not the only ones out there with ears to the ground. I help run the Order's Compliance Unit...

CAL: [Interrupting] Expel anyone recently?

CHK: Oh, we do it all the time. What would be the point of having a secret order if you didn't throw people out on a regular basis? [DIB laughs] Your assistant gets it.

CAL: Partner.

CHK: I'm sorry?

CAL: Partner; we're working together on the case.

CHK: Wonderful [claps hands] anyway, I jest. There have been a few cases recently that I and my colleagues have had to deal with but nothing I think that could be related to this. All details are confidential of course.

CAL: You say 'of course' but confidential doesn't get us very far.

CHK: Maybe not...

CAL: [Continuing] But, of course, we have the power to make it not confidential, if you know what I mean.

CHK: I certainly do. [Sighs] Like I say, we always try to cooperate with the DoM...

CAL: But...?

CHK: For every quid there's a pro quo and vice versa.

DIB: You mean, what's in it for you?

CHK: For me? No. I am but a humble servant of the order.

CAL: I can't promise anything.

CHK: You can promise anything, whether you deliver is another matter. I might remind the Department of Metaphysics that the Guild of Magicians and Psychic Practitioners has delivered over four decades of industrial peace, [pause] well, relative peace.

CAL: I'm not a negotiator. What does the order want?

CHK: The Witch Factory.

CAL: I see. A bit ambitious that?

CHK: We have the members, we just don't have the recognition.

CAL: I can't make the Department intervene.

CHK: You can pass the message to your superiors.

CAL: And in return...?

CHK: Very well. I know the details of the robberies but I must ask, what is your theory? How do you think they did it?

CAL: Portal building, travel between universes. [CHK snorts with derision] That's one of the lesser theories, though it could be true.

CHK: Why rob a bank in a different universe?

CAL: Quite, it's that or extended temporary world building.

CHK: The artificial universe.

DIB: That was your specialty, wasn't it.

CHK: Well, I...

DIB: [Continuing] You're an expert in this field.

CHK: I was but I did lots of other things as well.

DIB: But you know the essentials, what would it take to build a replica of a bank branch in order to rob the original?

CHK: Well, apart from mundane things like a copy of the staff rota and a detailed schematic of the building you would absolutely have to have two things 1) a Fix, something to harness latent energy, solar radiation, orgones, that kind of thing and 2) a Reality Anchor, something to maintain the structural integrity of the replica for the duration, not to mention allow for a route back into the universe proper.

DIB: Like an escape vehicle?

CHK: Something like that, yes! However, how many people were there in the video, members of the public I mean?

CAL: Several.

CHK: All identified; have you spoken to them?

CAL: All of them.

CHK: [Shakes head] Either they were all in on it or the robbers would have to have known, somehow, who was going to be in each branch at the exact moment the robberies took place.

CAL: I see.

CHK: Do you have pictures of the robbers?

DIB: We do.

CHK: May I have a look?

DIB: [Looks to CAL] Sure [gives pictures to CHK].

CHK: [Looking at pictures] As I suspected. These aren't people, they're avatars, see...? War, pestilence, famine and...

CAL: Bandana...

CHK: Well, that's where that particular theory falls down but I suspect these are not people but programmes. I could probably confirm it for you if you showed me the footage.

CAL: [Abruptly] No, I think that's enough to be getting on with. Thank you for your time, you've been very helpful.

CHK: We always try to cooperate with the DoM.

Work in Progress

July 9^th 2007 – 2:10pm

Offices of Walrus Inc, Tileyard Road, N7. Interview with Edward Ellis, proprietor and manager of Walrus Inc. Audio transcript

Containment Agent Lightfoot: Eddie.

Edward Ellis: Yara! What brings you here...? And with a friend.

CAL: Colleague, this is Detective Inspector Baptiste.

EE: I promise I'll have my tax return done soon. It's all above board here. I...

CAL: We're here on another matter, two things actually.

EE: OK.

CAL: DI Baptiste is seconded to an investigation of mine. Besides... self-employed tax returns are supposed to be done by January...

EE: That's good [smiles audibly].

CAL: If you please...?

DI Baptiste: Do you know of or anything about two armed robberies that took place last week in Hackney...

EE: Please, honestly, this is a respectable, licensed establishment. I wouldn't do anything that...

DIB: If you've heard anything about them at all, July second and seventh...?

EE: What would I know...?

DIB: I don't know, this looks like a bit of a no-questions-asked establishment. Perhaps...

CAL: [Interrupts] The picture...

DIB: Of course [hands EE a photograph]. This picture; do you recognise the device held by the gentleman at all?

EE: [Pause] Hard to say from that. This picture, yeah, it's from the robbery?

CAL: A still from a video recording. It was used, we think, to remotely unlock a safe.

EE: But...?

CAL: It's not a jamming device. We think it might be a calculator of some kind. [EE laughs softly] Well, it can't be a jammer because.

EE: Because it only took out the safe, every other device was left unharmed.

DIB: That's what we thought.

EE: It's not impossible to do direct electronic jamming but it's difficult and [looks at photo again] whatever this fella's got, it's not going to do that. [Pause] There's more, I take it...?

CAL: There is...

EE: I mean, this is almost borderline; why is the DoM taking an interest in bank robbery?

DIB: None of the events caught on camera actually happened in real life.

EE: Ah! Well, if I may say so, I think that's what you need to be getting on with there [hands back picture to CAL].

DIB: But the events were real. They happened. The financial losses occurring actually occurred and we want to know how. This device unlocked a fully protected safe in less than thirty seconds. How many combinations can you get from an electronic lock.

EE: Well, you should know, that depends on the lock but, technically speaking, it's infinite.

DIB: What about ten figures, how many variations on that?

EE: That's easy, ten to the power of nine, or one billion... That's if you just use numbers. If you throw in letter or symbols it goes up much higher.

CAL: This safe had a twenty-three digit combination.

EE: And there's that number again.

CAL: Indeed... But what kind of computing power would that take to solve in half a minute...? A rough guess...?

EE: You'd have to, I don't know, borrow Google's cloud farm in Ireland.

CAL: Could you do that?

EE: Could a bank robber do that? [Laughs] Don't be daft!

CAL: You have to ask daft questions sometimes. Facts are...

EE: [Finishing sentence] Surrounded by errors, I know.

CAL: What about quantum computing?

EE: A legend... mostly, especially around here. If someone's cracked quantum computing they've kept it to themselves. I mean, if you did build a quantum computer why would you use it to rob a bank. How much was taken...?

CAL: I get your point.

EE: What about Chemical Luck?

DIB: What's that?

EE: Chemical Luck, I've heard about it. Your lot have been testing strains of it up in Stanmore [CAL shrugs]. It's a quantum action molecule. It affects probabilities at a sub-atomic level, sort of slows the world down, develops a spread of simultaneous possibilities. You can be Schrodinger's Bank Robber, if you had a bit of Chemical Luck in you. It'd give you the time and the means to test twenty three to the power of twenty two combinations.

CAL: I see. Thank you for your time, Eddie. We best be pushing on.

EE: Not a problem. [Pause] What was the other thing?

CAL: Oh yes. I have a scrying ball that's playing up, getting really poor reception.

EE: They're never that reliable, I must say but... I've got a lot on this week. Bring it in first thing next Monday and I can have a look at it for you.

CAL: Cheers. Come on, let's go.

POSTSCRIPT

There is no such think as Chemical Luck. It was developed as part of a misinformation campaign after details relating to late-stage research into quantum computing was leaked from the Department of Metaphysics Research Wing in Stanmore.

Work in Progress

December 2^nd 2013 – 17:23pm

Branch Manager of [Redacted] building society, Mare Street, Hackney, reports the loss of £20,000. The London Metropolitan Police is contacted.

December 2^nd 2013 – 19:50pm

Detective and Forensic officers arrive, led by Detective Inspector Baptiste, SCD7 “Flying Squad.” A Preliminary search reveals no forced entry to the safe. Inspection of physical and digital records does not show evidence of suspicious transactions, only that there is £20,000 less than there should be in the branch. The branch is closed for the time being.

December 3^rd to December 5^th 2013

All members of staff are contacted, interviewed and fingerprinted by LM Police. None report anything other than a normal day. Financial background analysis does not show any unusual or unexplained amounts of money moved into staff member personal accounts. The branch remains closed for the time being.

December 5^th 2013

Background check with company providing secure transport does not reveal any financial discrepancy. Members of staff (driver and guard) who visited said branch to collect money were interviewed and fingerprinted by LM Police. Neither reported anything other than a normal day.

December 5^th 2013 – 17:23pm

Branch Manager of [Redacted] bank, Shepherd’s Bush Green, Hammersmith and Fulham reports the loss of £13,000. The LM Police is contacted.

December 6^th 2013 – 9:00am

Hackney building society branch reopens. Investigations begin into Shepherd’s Bush robbery begin. Two incidents are linked. Case comes under DI Dennis Baptiste.

December 6^th to December 7^th 2013

Investigation proceeds into Shepherd’s Bush robbery in similar manner with identical results.

December 6^th 2013 – 18:00pmIT technician in building society regional office reviews the previous weeks’ worth of security camera recordings at Mare Street branch. Technician contacts LM police.

December 8th – 8:45am

Footage is reviewed by DI Baptiste. LM Police contacts Department of Metaphysics. Serious and Metaphysical Crime Squad, team led by myself. Consulting capacity at this stage.

Footage of Hackney Robbery – viewed December 8^th - 19:19pm

Date: December 2^nd 2013. Time at beginning: 15:30pm

00:00sec to 00:02sec Camera 1

Four people enter building society branch. Each is male, of indeterminate age, average to tall height, athletic or well-built and wearing casual clothes and either a mask or a bandana. The men are hereafter referred to by their mask or bandana:

Skeleton (mask)

Plague doctor (mask)

Gas Mask (mask)

Red and Gold (bandana)

Note – Gas Mask arrives carrying a brief case while Red and Gold holds a bag over his shoulder.

00:02sec to 00:10sec Camera 1

Skeleton and Plague Doctor each produce small firearms, silver/grey pistols of unknown make or model. Gas Mask appears to shout orders, pointing in various directions. Skeleton and Plague Doctor proceed to subdue all members of public or staff present, forcing them to the floor. At 00:05 seconds the security screen comes down over the counter. At 00:07 seconds skeleton strikes a man in the face with the butt of his gun. Skeleton and Red and Gold continue to cover the public/staff present for the duration of the footage.

00:10sec to 00:23sec Cameras 1 and 2

Red and Gold kneels, opens his bag and takes out a set of objects which he then assembles into something resembling a mortar launcher. Staff members behind the screen take cover

00:23sec Camera 1

Red and Gold fires the mortar at the security screen. There is a small explosion.

00:24sec to 00:31sec Cameras 1 and 2

Dust and debris settle from the explosion. A harpoon has been driven into the security screen. The harpoon line is retracted, shattering the  screen. Further debris falls on some of public/staff lying on the floor.

00:32sec to 00:58sec Cameras 1 and 2

Gas Mask and Red Band Gold each produce handguns similar to or identical with the ones identified before. Red and Gold climbs over the counter, points his weapon at a staff member. Gas Mask leaps onto the counter with a single bound and kicks away some of the remains of the screen before also pointing his gun at a staff member. There were four staff members behind the screen. One is unconscious, injured or dead and does not rise. GM and R&G force the remaining staff members into a backroom, barricading the door before proceeding directly to the room containing the safe.

1min:23sec to 1min:59sec Camera 3

Gas Mask and Red and Gold enter the safe room. At 1:32 Gas Mask produces a hand-held device and he points it at the safe’s security system. At 1:57 it appears to be disabled. GM and R&G open the safe.

2min to 2min:33sec Camera 3

Gas Mask opens his briefcase. Gas Mask and Red and Gold fill the suitcase with bank notes.

2min:34sec to 2min:59sec Cameras 1, 2 and 3

Gas Mask closes the briefcase. Gas Mask and Red Bandana retreat through the building until they reach their fellow robbers. Before leaving, Plague Doctor fires two shots into the ceiling. It is not clear where the robbers go to or how they get there once they leave the building. They do not collect the harpoon

Observations and Conclusions

Observations

-  No member of staff could recall these events.

- There is no physical evidence of these events except for the footage.

- The robbers are likely real people, hence they concealed their identities.

- The robbers are likely not experience as they made two mistakes 1) not covering the members of staff locked in the backroom 2) not collecting the harpoon.

- The robbers do not consult a time piece of any kind

- Despite having and/or taking 33 seconds to fill the briefcase the robbers take exactly £20,000.

Conclusions

Identify the robbers, identify the weapons and devices, identify and recover the mortar/harpoon, recover the money.

Footage of Shepherd's Bush Robbery – viewed December 8^th - 23:23pm

The footage is precisely the same as the Hackney Robbery except in small details. Even the timing is the same. The only significant difference is in what the robbers wear to obscure their face.

Diamond Encrusted Skeleton

Venetian Ball Mask

Riot Cop

Blue and Gold Bandana

Observations and Conclusions

Does this mean the robbers have spent their money?

The action may be real but it is not realistic; in what sense has this happened?

Conclusion

Establish a basis in reality for all these events.

December 9^th - Midnight

The case is officially turned over to the Department of Metaphysics, Serious and Metaphysical Crime Squad. Investigation is led by myself, Containment Agent Yara Lightfoot, with DI Baptiste seconded from the LMP. D-notice applies with immediate effect.

Works Unit

Level One - Public

RAF Welford is an active Royal Air Force station in Berkshire, England. The airfield is located approximately 6 miles (9.7 km) northwest of Newbury; about 50 miles (80 km) west-southwest of London.

Opened in 1943, it was used during the Second World War by both the Royal Air Force and United States Army Air Forces. During the war it was used primarily as a transport airfield. After the war it was closed in 1946 and placed in reserve status. As a result of the Cold War, the station was reopened in 1955 as a munitions depot by the United States Air Force.

Today it is one of the largest ammunition compounds for the United States Air Force in Western Europe for heavy munitions.

Level Two – Entry

RAF Welford is an active Royal Air Force station in Berkshire, England. The airfield and proving ground is located approximately 6 miles (9.7 km) northwest of Newbury; about 50 miles (80 km) west-southwest of London.

Opened in 1943, it was used during the Second World War by both the Royal Air Force and United States Army Air Forces, primarily as a transport airfield but with a subsidiary role as a proving ground, providing scale models of the St Pauli district of Hamburg to test incendiary bombardment. After the war it was closed in 1946 and placed in reserve status. As a result of the Cold War, the station was reopened in 1955 as a munitions depot by the United States Air Force.

Level Three – Restricted

RAF Welford is a former active Royal Air Force station in Berkshire, England, located approximately 6 miles (9.7 km) northwest of Newbury; about 50 miles (80 km) west-southwest of London.

Opened in 1943, it was used during the Second World War by both the Royal Air Force and United States Army Airforces, primarily as a transport airfield but with a subsidiary role as a proving ground, providing scale models of the St Pauli district of Hamburg to test thaumatic-energy bombardment. Due to progressive biohazard levels it was closed in 1946 and placed under Department of Metaphysics containment with a public front of a United States Airforce munitions depot.

Level Three – Top Secret

RAF Welford is a former active Royal Air Force station in Berkshire, England, located approximately 6 miles (9.7 km) northwest of Newbury; about 50 miles (80 km) west-southwest of London.

Opened in 1943, it was used during the Second World War by both the Royal Air Force and United States Army Air Forces, primarily as a transport airfield but with a subsidiary role as a proving ground, providing full-scale models of the St Pauli district of Hamburg and selected German POWs to test thaumatic-energy bombardment. Due to progressive biohazard levels it was closed in 1946 and placed under Department of Metaphysics containment with a public front of a United States Airforce munitions depot.

Level Four – Above Top Secret

RAF Welford is a former active Royal Air Force station in Berkshire, England, located approximately 6 miles (9.7 km) northwest of Newbury; about 50 miles (80 km) west-southwest of London.

Opened in 1943, it was used during the Second World War by both the Royal Air Force and United States Army Air Forces, primarily as a transport airfield but with a subsidiary role as a proving ground, providing full-scale models of the St Pauli district of Hamburg and selected German POWs to test thaumatic-energy bombardment.

The facility came under attack from unknown hostile entities on January the 23^rd1946. The attack was suppressed after three days of combat carried out by an Armed Task Force of the Department of Metaphysics. Since 1955 the remains of the site has been maintained under a public front of a United States Airforce munitions depot.

Level Five – Outer Perimeter Task Force Leader

RAF Welford is a former active Royal Air Force station in Berkshire, England, located approximately 6 miles (9.7 km) northwest of Newbury; about 50 miles (80 km) west-southwest of London.

Opened in 1943, it was used during the Second World War by both the Royal Air Force and United States Army Air Forces, primarily as a transport airfield but with a subsidiary role as a proving ground, providing full-scale models of the St Pauli district of Hamburg and selected German POWs to test thaumatic-energy bombardment.

The facility came under attack from then unknown hostile entities on January the 23^rd 1946. The HEs quickly captured the facility and killed all staff on base. After three days of combat an Armed Task Force of the Department of Metaphysics was unable to suppress the attack and the site was placed under armed quarantine. On August 20^th 1946 the facility was carpet bombed in a combined USAF/RAF attack. Since 1955 the remains of the site has been maintained under a public front of a United States Airforce munitions depot.

Level Six – Interior Brigade Commander

RAF Welford is a former active Royal Air Force station in Berkshire, England, located approximately 6 miles (9.7 km) northwest of Newbury; about 50 miles (80 km) west-southwest of London. 

Opened in 1943, it was used during the Second World War by both the Royal Air Force and United States Army Air Forces, primarily as a transport airfield, with a subsidiary role as a proving ground, providing full scale models of the St Pauli district of Hamburg and selected German POWs to test thaumatic-energy bombardment.

The facility came under attack from then unknown hostile entities on January the 23^rd 1946. The HEs quickly captured the facility and killed all staff on base. After three days of combat by an Armed Task Force of the Department of Metaphysics was unable to suppress the attack but the site was placed under armed quarantine. On August the 20^th 1946 contact was established with the entities. They identified themselves as the incorporeal remains of the German POWs used in the original site tests. They demanded repatriation and the restoration of the Third Reich.

After a period of armed stalemate a treaty of non-aggression was signed in 1955. Despite containment breaches in 1959, 1971, 1987 and 2001 (attributed to Soviet/Russian espionage) site confidentiality has been successfully maintained under a public front of a United States Airforce munitions depot.

Level Seven – AAO Site Council primer

RAF Welford is the front-name of an Allied Anomalous Organisation outpost in Berkshire, England, located approximately 6 miles (9.7 km) northwest of Newbury; about 50 miles (80 km) west-southwest of London and an as yet unknown location on a planet in the constellation of Reticulum.

Opened in 1943, it was used during the Second World War by both the Royal Air Force and United States Army Air Forces to open and maintain high-energy portal, approximately 10 metres square, contained in the Central Silo.

The portal was used as a means to establish diplomatic contact with a civilisation known as the Glieseans. First contact was established by the Axis through a portal opened in Rural Poland in April 1941, resulting in the Glieseans sending a delegation to Earth, now better known the Foo Fighters. Negotiations were engaged in order with the aim of winning the Glieseans to the Allied cause or at least establishing neutrality, finally achieving success in January 1944.

The portal was maintained after the war, along with diplomatic and economic contact, culminating in the a NATO-Gliesean Memorandum of Understanding, ratified in 1955, and the opening of embassies on either side of the portal. Despite external breaches in 1959, 1971, 1987 and 2001 (attributed to Soviet/Russian espionage) site confidentiality has been successfully maintained under a public front of a United States Airforce munitions depot.

Level Eight - Redacted

You have insufficient clearance. Unauthorised access will lead to termination.

Note: this is now a work in progress - 23/09/2016