Because you're worthless

I have a blog. I've had (at least) one for thirteen years. When I started this one I wanted it to be a news and occasional pieces kind of set up. There are too many occasional pieces and often not enough news. But I found out some people do come here every now and then. In that spirit let's keep going... with some news.

I have a story in Issue Seventeen of Tigershark Magazine, an insidious tale called I Have Escaped. Also, this month, Ripples In Space, a fancy new sci-fi outlet, took a mini-epic of mine, called The Door To Nowhere. Coming soon, something with these guys

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Cyberplebs

Imagine a future cyber-capitalism where work is extremely silly and demeaning. Everyone is a Task Rabbit. You will get instructions beamed onto your eyelids:

"Go to the town square and do the hokey-cokey with six other people for ten minutes."

After that you get:

"Go to a warehouse at this address. Insert 22 grams of Smith Square crisps into your body without ingesting them. Do it within the hour and you get to choose which orifice you use."

Then you get:

"Congratulations, you have earned enough credit to eat today. While you are eating please post twelve things you like about the current Prime Minister to facebook."

After lunch you're told to:

"Go to this sewage treatment plant. Join the team there. Collect four tonnes of sewage and dump it on an abandoned school."

Later on that day you will "take blood from seven convicted murderers... competitively eat raw turnips for a YouTube clip... sort soiled underwear for a wealthy client... fellate a muppet in Second Life..." and at the end of the day you get a special message.

"Congratulations, you've made rent for the fortieth month in a row. As a bonus you get ten free minutes of Tinder access - Happy Shagging."

It's this or Fully Automated Communism.

Advert

Scene One

Exterior: a leafy, suburban street. A middle-aged man, clean-shaven, well-dressed and conventionally handsome and appears in half-body shot. He looks into the camera.

Man: [In crisp, confident Transatlantic RP] There has never been a better time to rent your property out. Supply is down and demand is on the up and will be for the foreseeable future [He approaches the camera - stops - a head and shoulders shot] but the future is not always certain [frowns].

Scene Two

Interior: Man is standing in an anonymously busy office, half-body shot. Everyone else in the office is seated at a computer terminal.

Man: [Walks through the office making sympathetic hand gestures] As an entrepreneur and smart investor you know you have to stay one step ahead of the market. We at Marshall, Carter and Dark understand this [stops]. And that is why we have come up with a radical new solution to the problems landlords face.

Scene Three 

Interior: Man walks along an narrow, empty corridor, full-body shot, towards the camera.

Man: [Holds out arms] There is only so much space to go around, [relaxes] what with [in a wry tone] health and safety laws, there have always been limitations to how you can utilise your property and enhance revenue streams. [Stops] Until now...

Scene Four 

Montage of art works.

 

Man: [Voiceover] Abartists have been delighting us with their ability to conjure dimensionally anomalous art works. But...

using new Eleven-Dimensional Abspace Expansion Technology...

a supercomputer...

and grey market fissile material... 

we can now take this process out of the gallery and into the real world. 

Scene Five

Montage of various dwellings and structures.

Man: [Voiceover] Our engineers took this two-bedroom end of terrace property in Oldham and added eight further rooms, two bedrooms, a master suite, a drawing room, office, coelacanth tank, dungeon and granny annex, all without affecting structural integrity and with minimal loss of life.

We acquired this four-bedroom detached house in Southampton and installed 

 a fifty-bunk barracks, a fully-equipped armoury and concealable helipad without expanding regular floor space or increasing council-tax bills. But there's more.

Last year we recovered this abandoned aviary in Newcastle-Upon Tyne. It now includes a formula one racetrack and indoor ski centre, all built in less than THREE MONTHS

 .

Scene Six

Return to man standing in corridor.

Man: Space, it used to be the final frontier. Not anymore... Here at Marshall, Carter and Dark we want to help you [points at camera] shake society down for all it's got. Purchase now and we will throw in a free apprentice or work-placement peon of your choice to do with whatever you like [smiles knowingly].

Scene Seven

Logo.

Man: [Voiceover] Offer ends 2020, terms and conditions apply. Marshall, Carter and Dark: because landlords run this show.