The Television Handed Ghostess in Sein Und Werden

You wait and work all summer to get a story published and two... etc, etc. This is The Television Handed Ghostess, parts one and two. I like this story and, happily, so do the good folk at Sein Und Werden. It's part of the Autumn 2016, Giallo edition of the magazine. It will be the last edition for some time unless an interim editor/programmer can be found to sub for the super talented editor, who is taking time off to do an MA (good luck with that). When and if Sein... comes back it will be good. This is the full edition, lots to enjoy. Meanwhile, I hope to have at least three more pieces out before the end of the year, but we will see.

Hallo Leon in The40p.com

A link finally, something I hoped to put up back in April (not this but for another story). My story, Hallo Leon, has been accepted by good people at The40p.com. It's a paying short story website, the fee is... 40p. If anyone who is reading this is a writer do give The40p a try with your stories. Meanwhile, I've been sitting on this little beauty for nearly three years. It's a slipstream tale about an invasion of memory in a disappearing part of London. This is the setting for the opening and closing scene, a pub in Homerton, opposite the hospital, now gone (the picture is from here), currently being turned into a block of flats.

Anyway, enjoy... for 40p.

The Vandals Took the Handles

Something in the basement
Got paid in medicine
Laid in the government
Thinking in the pavement
Get the trench coat badge off
Mixing in the pig cough
Many plants of soot say
Talking the phone away
Maggie tapped the heat foot
Orders from the bed put
DA in the anyway
Black fleet in early May
Hard around, jump barred
Write ink if you fail
Sick well, hang bail
Try get anything's
Hard to sell
Join the braille
Get dressed, shift her
Try to please the born well
Buy gifts, please pants
Romance and the warm dance
Twenty years of him
And they put you on blessed pants

A Friday-Night Cut Up

Striding pistol reached an assured morning, come have assassin. “Thank you, cocktail pictures. Who pictures woman, Sir?”

“Who supple, gasped. pretty pictures gasped. make-up of dress, like Sir?”

“Who pretty was of heavy look dress, dress, like he Sir!”

Day empire, trade shocked, mail-order puff climbed all to a parcel. Multi-million parcel dropped the mail-order a envoy. A mail-order the Cold agency. It the all day Russia. Woman parcel. Two he had were sent he fondled them. Back had he sent post. He hardly had fair good letters good then  glanced cast man worth Peter.

Her magician brought impossible to put, brought her the protection. Under fold was of brought opportunity.

"Here’s world, tickets into you", the visa was crucial (crucial your edge men idea).

“You’re work even situation here, maintain". He is non-existent Natalia. "Your scholarship was non-existent here, Natalia."

The demand locked ironically, up ironically, in luxurious and pretty magician supply part. Off in his connections and monopoly ensured. Secretaries trade gay prince matches, French only get French Knighthood.

"Mail-order was I mail-order mail-order mail-order am was bride, was now assassin." Produced A pistol took a and pistol took a took pistol, "come for, come for, come for you."

Image is from here.

Mail Order

Here's something short. It failed to win a recent competition for an Irish website called Brilliant Flash Fiction. The theme was It Came In The Mail. The word limit was 500 words, which is very tough. This didn't make the grade, so I'm inflicting it on you. Ha! Yeah, it's a bit blunt and simultaneously info-dumpy, but I like the core idea and it's got nowhere else to go. Some news is coming soon about published work though. Hooray!

“Good morning, Natalia.” Striding through his office he greeted his secretary with an assured smile. “You look radiant.”

“Thank you, Sir.”

Through a door to his room, Peter sat at his desk. Another day ruling his empire, a multi-million pound mail-order bride agency.

It all began in Russia. Peter had been a British trade envoy. When the Cold War was over Peter decided to branch out.

Back in the day Peter had met a man in an underground fair in Moscow, a magician who only had one trick but it was a good one. He folded things that were impossible to fold and put them into spaces they could not fit. The climax of his act was putting his assistant into a matchbox and taking her out again, unharmed. Peter saw an opportunity. He brought the magician under his protection.

There was so many desperate people in Russia, young women in particular, who would do anything for a better life. Peter's idea was having the magician fold them into parcels and mailing them to rich, lonely men across the free world, saving on visa and plane tickets (a crucial edge in the market).

He still had to drum up demand but that was easy. Peter had many connections. He fed his clients with pretty pictures and beautiful promises. He ensured supply in much the same way. Keeping his monopoly was the most difficult part. Peter had the magician bought off and, ironically, locked away in luxurious captivity, a mansion in Sochi where he lived and worked under guard.

The situation in Russia stabilised. Peter had to work harder. A fake casting company here, a non-existent scholarship there helped maintain supply. Rival firms tried to extract his trade-secret, sometimes even steal his magician outright. Peter always dealt with his rivals, problems to be packed away. He was a clever man.

“Here’s your mail, Sir.”

“Thank you, Natalia.”

“You’re welcome, Sir.”

He was an important man too. His only regret was his trade wasn’t recognised enough to get him a Knighthood, even though he’d found matches for two Senior Secretaries, a gay Saudi prince and a French ambassador.

Natalia left. Peter fondled his post, two letters and a parcel. He chuckled. Who sent mail anymore? He did, he supposed, but the letters were hardly worth reading. He glanced then cast them aside. Someone should find a way to send brides as an email attachment he thought. He laughed again as he prized open the parcel. There was a puff of air, it sprang apart. Shocked, Peter dropped the parcel. It fell to the floor and a woman climbed out.

“Who are you?” he gasped. The woman was tall, tanned, supple, wearing heavy make-up and a short cocktail dress, like one of his pretty pictures. The Woman said:

“I was a mail-order bride, now I am a mail-order assassin.” She reached behind her back, produced a pistol and took aim, “and I have come for you.”

Work in Progress

July 10th - 16:29pm.

Interview, Christine Hyatt-Khan, Deputy Head of Compliance Unit for the Guild of Magicians and Psychic Practitioners, GMPP Headquarters, Euston.

Audio transcript

Containment Agent Lightfoot: Thank you for having us.

Christine Hyatt-Khan: Not at all, we always try to cooperate with the DoM. How may I be of assistance?

CAL: I, we are conducting an investigation into two robberies, bank robberies, rather unusual ones that...

CHK: I think I've heard about these, one was in Hackney and the other was in Ealing.

Detective Inspector Baptiste: In Shepherd's Bush, actually.

CHK: Yes, of course.

DIB: How did you come to know about these?

CHK: My word, is there a D-Notice out? I never...

CAL: Please...

CHK: I'm sorry, I... I'm sure you understand that you're not the only ones out there with ears to the ground. I help run the Order's Compliance Unit...

CAL: [Interrupting] Expel anyone recently?

CHK: Oh, we do it all the time. What would be the point of having a secret order if you didn't throw people out on a regular basis? [DIB laughs] Your assistant gets it.

CAL: Partner.

CHK: I'm sorry?

CAL: Partner; we're working together on the case.

CHK: Wonderful [claps hands] anyway, I jest. There have been a few cases recently that I and my colleagues have had to deal with but nothing I think that could be related to this. All details are confidential of course.

CAL: You say 'of course' but confidential doesn't get us very far.

CHK: Maybe not...

CAL: [Continuing] But, of course, we have the power to make it not confidential, if you know what I mean.

CHK: I certainly do. [Sighs] Like I say, we always try to cooperate with the DoM...

CAL: But...?

CHK: For every quid there's a pro quo and vice versa.

DIB: You mean, what's in it for you?

CHK: For me? No. I am but a humble servant of the order.

CAL: I can't promise anything.

CHK: You can promise anything, whether you deliver is another matter. I might remind the Department of Metaphysics that the Guild of Magicians and Psychic Practitioners has delivered over four decades of industrial peace, [pause] well, relative peace.

CAL: I'm not a negotiator. What does the order want?

CHK: The Witch Factory.

CAL: I see. A bit ambitious that?

CHK: We have the members, we just don't have the recognition.

CAL: I can't make the Department intervene.

CHK: You can pass the message to your superiors.

CAL: And in return...?

CHK: Very well. I know the details of the robberies but I must ask, what is your theory? How do you think they did it?

CAL: Portal building, travel between universes. [CHK snorts with derision] That's one of the lesser theories, though it could be true.

CHK: Why rob a bank in a different universe?

CAL: Quite, it's that or extended temporary world building.

CHK: The artificial universe.

DIB: That was your specialty, wasn't it.

CHK: Well, I...

DIB: [Continuing] You're an expert in this field.

CHK: I was but I did lots of other things as well.

DIB: But you know the essentials, what would it take to build a replica of a bank branch in order to rob the original?

CHK: Well, apart from mundane things like a copy of the staff rota and a detailed schematic of the building you would absolutely have to have two things 1) a Fix, something to harness latent energy, solar radiation, orgones, that kind of thing and 2) a Reality Anchor, something to maintain the structural integrity of the replica for the duration, not to mention allow for a route back into the universe proper.

DIB: Like an escape vehicle?

CHK: Something like that, yes! However, how many people were there in the video, members of the public I mean?

CAL: Several.

CHK: All identified; have you spoken to them?

CAL: All of them.

CHK: [Shakes head] Either they were all in on it or the robbers would have to have known, somehow, who was going to be in each branch at the exact moment the robberies took place.

CAL: I see.

CHK: Do you have pictures of the robbers?

DIB: We do.

CHK: May I have a look?

DIB: [Looks to CAL] Sure [gives pictures to CHK].

CHK: [Looking at pictures] As I suspected. These aren't people, they're avatars, see...? War, pestilence, famine and...

CAL: Bandana...

CHK: Well, that's where that particular theory falls down but I suspect these are not people but programmes. I could probably confirm it for you if you showed me the footage.

CAL: [Abruptly] No, I think that's enough to be getting on with. Thank you for your time, you've been very helpful.

CHK: We always try to cooperate with the DoM.

Work in Progress

July 9^th 2007 – 2:10pm

Offices of Walrus Inc, Tileyard Road, N7. Interview with Edward Ellis, proprietor and manager of Walrus Inc. Audio transcript

Containment Agent Lightfoot: Eddie.

Edward Ellis: Yara! What brings you here...? And with a friend.

CAL: Colleague, this is Detective Inspector Baptiste.

EE: I promise I'll have my tax return done soon. It's all above board here. I...

CAL: We're here on another matter, two things actually.

EE: OK.

CAL: DI Baptiste is seconded to an investigation of mine. Besides... self-employed tax returns are supposed to be done by January...

EE: That's good [smiles audibly].

CAL: If you please...?

DI Baptiste: Do you know of or anything about two armed robberies that took place last week in Hackney...

EE: Please, honestly, this is a respectable, licensed establishment. I wouldn't do anything that...

DIB: If you've heard anything about them at all, July second and seventh...?

EE: What would I know...?

DIB: I don't know, this looks like a bit of a no-questions-asked establishment. Perhaps...

CAL: [Interrupts] The picture...

DIB: Of course [hands EE a photograph]. This picture; do you recognise the device held by the gentleman at all?

EE: [Pause] Hard to say from that. This picture, yeah, it's from the robbery?

CAL: A still from a video recording. It was used, we think, to remotely unlock a safe.

EE: But...?

CAL: It's not a jamming device. We think it might be a calculator of some kind. [EE laughs softly] Well, it can't be a jammer because.

EE: Because it only took out the safe, every other device was left unharmed.

DIB: That's what we thought.

EE: It's not impossible to do direct electronic jamming but it's difficult and [looks at photo again] whatever this fella's got, it's not going to do that. [Pause] There's more, I take it...?

CAL: There is...

EE: I mean, this is almost borderline; why is the DoM taking an interest in bank robbery?

DIB: None of the events caught on camera actually happened in real life.

EE: Ah! Well, if I may say so, I think that's what you need to be getting on with there [hands back picture to CAL].

DIB: But the events were real. They happened. The financial losses occurring actually occurred and we want to know how. This device unlocked a fully protected safe in less than thirty seconds. How many combinations can you get from an electronic lock.

EE: Well, you should know, that depends on the lock but, technically speaking, it's infinite.

DIB: What about ten figures, how many variations on that?

EE: That's easy, ten to the power of nine, or one billion... That's if you just use numbers. If you throw in letter or symbols it goes up much higher.

CAL: This safe had a twenty-three digit combination.

EE: And there's that number again.

CAL: Indeed... But what kind of computing power would that take to solve in half a minute...? A rough guess...?

EE: You'd have to, I don't know, borrow Google's cloud farm in Ireland.

CAL: Could you do that?

EE: Could a bank robber do that? [Laughs] Don't be daft!

CAL: You have to ask daft questions sometimes. Facts are...

EE: [Finishing sentence] Surrounded by errors, I know.

CAL: What about quantum computing?

EE: A legend... mostly, especially around here. If someone's cracked quantum computing they've kept it to themselves. I mean, if you did build a quantum computer why would you use it to rob a bank. How much was taken...?

CAL: I get your point.

EE: What about Chemical Luck?

DIB: What's that?

EE: Chemical Luck, I've heard about it. Your lot have been testing strains of it up in Stanmore [CAL shrugs]. It's a quantum action molecule. It affects probabilities at a sub-atomic level, sort of slows the world down, develops a spread of simultaneous possibilities. You can be Schrodinger's Bank Robber, if you had a bit of Chemical Luck in you. It'd give you the time and the means to test twenty three to the power of twenty two combinations.

CAL: I see. Thank you for your time, Eddie. We best be pushing on.

EE: Not a problem. [Pause] What was the other thing?

CAL: Oh yes. I have a scrying ball that's playing up, getting really poor reception.

EE: They're never that reliable, I must say but... I've got a lot on this week. Bring it in first thing next Monday and I can have a look at it for you.

CAL: Cheers. Come on, let's go.

POSTSCRIPT

There is no such think as Chemical Luck. It was developed as part of a misinformation campaign after details relating to late-stage research into quantum computing was leaked from the Department of Metaphysics Research Wing in Stanmore.